Mask, Mess, Mais

Since the start of December my state of mind has somehow checked out of all things productive and progressive. I'm not sure if what's plaguing me is cursed plateau, mundane salvation, or just plain 'burn out'. The only thing I can confidently declare is that I'm pretty much mentally done with 2022 and all it's entailed. It's been a polarising year in the sense that I've achieved one of my biggest life goals, then somehow found myself through the other side of that curtain to the "what now" stage of developments.  

Perhaps I'm just more sharply aware that my third decade comes with a different set of values and a changed character. There is significantly more emphasis to suceed on those markers of an established life - a steady relationship, a secure income, an enviable outlook; as opposed to just wandering per my whims and prioritising travel. The catch now is that while I’m moaning about it, I'm also looking around at this life I've built and comprehending how absurdly blessed I am. It really is per god's (and the people He's put in my life) grace that I am where I am now. 

In May this year I found myself crying in Heathrow, with the reality check that "I'm really not where I thought I'd be in life" crashing through me. There was a humongous chasm between my perceived, projected and actual reality - especially (and here's where I'm just frank) in the finances department. Over the past two years I've kept myself afloat on the idea that I'm cushioned with the privilege of resources. While that may be partially true, there are some things that I thought were mine but aren't. 

The gist of it is that I'm so used to having my cake and eating it all. But now I'm just presented with a slew of ingredients, and the realisation that I'm at a completely different table than the one I'm used to. I've sacrificed a lot to get here (London, loved, legal), and there is an actual, tangible loss that I'm currently recouping. There is a profound humility in acknowledging your lot in life and embracing it. I'm just venting this to note that it’s a strange sensation to have your dreams come true - not quite in the system you imagined it, if at all. 

In some ways it's worse, and it's some ways, it's so, so much better than I thought it'd ever be. 

Mox

I feel like I should be panicking more but I'm reaching a level of zen that has no room for chaotic second guessing. It's some blind, numbing trust in the universe and the dead calmness of believing it will all work out. 

Regent's Park

 

So few of my dearest dreams ever appear tangibly in reality. It just so happens that on a gloomy November evening, these visuals by Louise Bradley interiors materialised on my screen, and I found my heart skipping a beat. There it was, a vision of my future home, curated as close to perfection as I'd ever seen in real life. 

I'd sat in these beautiful rooms so many times in my mind. Feeling my way around warmed marble floors, tucking into the plush sofas as the cool winter light cascaded around me, glancing up at framed paintings and sketches by my parents. I had unclasped shimmering earrings and scattered them carelessly on the dark tables after a glittering night out with my husband, as he took rest in his dark wood office. My children, books, and pets have been lovingly caressed as I sat on those luscious cushions. They would stroll in occasionally from their outdoor horse riding outings, maybe scuffing the silver carpets with some mud, and I'd make sure they clean up after themselves. Numerous evenings spent reading to the younger ones in the living room, and intimate dinner parties at the round table. It was, and will be the home of many lovely gatherings and restful nights. 

Surely, surely

hmm. 

Stumblr

Anxiety seems to be the main order of August. Unlike the earlier days, when it only welled up feelings of agitation and anger, in this phase I'm just going through the emotions, gulping air. A few nights ago that cavernous sense of unease crept up on me, and over the course of several minutes, I exercised one of those mind palace visions to calm myself down. It was this: of myself in a thick pool of clear water, controlling my body to float and trusting the liquid - instead of succumbing to drowning. It seems arbitrary when written down, but I guess this is the purpose of journalling. And if these past two years taught me anything, it's to appreciate even infinitesimal progresses. 

Hello August

Intention, Manifestation, Expectation

Thank you for everything, October

Time seems to warp and warble at an extremely exhilarating angle this past month. 

 

Petrificus 2

 

I think this is one of the biggest risks I've ever taken in my life.

As F-Day (where F is for freedom, signifying food, fun, friends and other things related) approaches (T-4 days to go!), I'm feeling more and more terrified of the events that await. It's that trepidation/ anxiousness/ excitement of standing behind the curtain before going up on stage, where you're just listening to your breath in the dark and trying to not completely lose it. I've gone around the roads to question my decision and know that deep down, there was really no other option other than to leave and get out while I could. Now that I'm here, I'm going to have to step up and perform, to fulfil promises to myself, and do my damnest best to make this amazing. 

As a human being who's been cooped up in the past year, contextually, it's only natural that I'm getting the jellies on this. I don't think I've ever really put my neck out this far before in my life. There's a bit more effort required to cross the chasm to reach my usual threshold of safety, and where I'm standing now is truly the edge of the comfort zone. The honest-to-god truth is that I've not much clue as to the trajectory of life after this trip. But I'm risking a lot (the security of my finances, in particular / the ability to just run off to my loved ones for a hug) to put myself out here and find out. 

I recognize that this takes so much courage, faith in yourself, and hope. And this is a good thing. Telling myself to trust in the universe.  

Mantras

  

Love. Mindfulness. Humility. Courage. Growth.

Here to hear it

If you love someone 

the omnipresent cloud

Mid January Moods 

So they echoed

Happy 2020! 

Make good choices. 

Somniabunt

10. Best trip of your life? 

Réves.

I can't emphasise how much I wish to witness these views myself. 

I've dreamt of this trip since I was 16? 18? 19? years old. 

There's something about being in the presence of such awe inducing landscapes that's as impotent as a drug for me. In the past few year's I've managed to traipsed ice and glaciers, camped out in the dry desert, lavished in the tropical humidity of my home country, even enjoy the signature sea and breeze of the mediterranean region. Yet the planes of South America and Africa eludes me. I know I've to be patient, and trust in the universe's structure of reward and its impeccable timing. 

In the mean time, here's Chiara Zonca's photography from her trips around the Chilean and Bolivian altiplano. 

One day, InsyaAllah, one day. 

Speculo

Inhale the Dawn

Dawn // Dusk. 

Monochromatic exhalations marking the commencement of a very long road for the rise. 

Truth be told

16/03/2017

Misty Rose Mantras

The end of 2016

A window into my soul: 

It is an expanse of land that has endured tsunamis and drought, bush fires and Artic snow. For the time being it is quickly and calmly blooming at intervals, comforted in a green glade of summery sunshine and the odd sparkled of spring time colours. But such is the nature of this land to change. And deep in its earth there is a quiet stirring of white sand. A magical ivory dust, glittering as it catches the wind and flies. It is excitement itself, perking up for a new season, a new chapter, a new life. It must give the flowers time to adequately bloom before it rises and cascades over the landscape. But it is there. And it is stirring. 

Miniature excesses

Intuor