Recollections, ramblemethis.

Introducing the Best Of excerpts;

the mere few, as some others from my beloved archive would be dotted around the future entries. Possibly, perhaps.

Area 51, 11 May

As of this moment, apt.Written 11th May 2011, as part of a 30 day blog challenge thing (which I never completed, go figure, but, with good reason).

Day 04 - Your views on religion

In my quest for this (not so) 30 day challenge, I skipped Day 04. Not out of avoidance but pure mistake!

My views on religion has been somewhat shaky in recent passings. AND NO! It's not that I'm losing faith, it's been more of a questioning phase sort of thing.

When my grandmother passed away, I was 8 years old, and her demise brought forth this surge of faith in my religion, and I promised myself to never leave God's side. I remember refusing to dance because I was upholding my religion. I was young, so young and so impressionable, but with this I'm not claiming I was blind. If anything the clarity that I received at that age was so enigmatic that it cocooned and comforted me for many many years after.

The sciences surrounding me, concurring with the multitude of opinions and 'open minded' quips that are so readily available now, shook my foundation a little. Here I am, so firm and so solid, never delving anything, susceptible to what ideas were spoon fed to me. I don't know what took me but I did ask myself, and here I let it out, because it's come to this: What if the other religions were right instead of mine? What if there is no religion at all? Why are we doing all this? Are these sources even valid? Who says anything in this veneration is true? It could just all be cock-a-bull made up crap. These rules that we restrict ourselves to, I've seen it's purpose being defeated, it's very reasoning proven untrue. Or so to my eyes.

So you see, as I really questioned myself. It got to a point where I was scared. It got to a point where recently neglected my praying duties and took them as a loose-ended thing. My life was going shitty, I didn't care to concentrate enough energy for Him. Forget all those years that I did my solat hajat everyday, repented for years and begged for good results and good fortune. Forget how devoted my parents are to the pillars of Islam. Forget my sunnahs and fastings. It seemed pointless. I was neither here nor there for a bit, though I did try. And then, through this hazy conceptual fog, I realise that, there is a reason in everything. And that, basically, is what my religion, Islam has taught me.

It's taking me a while to get to this point. But in believing Allah SWT, the Most Merciful and Kind, it taught me that there is a reason for everything. Every challenges, every lapse, and the lessons that you take from it will make you a better person. The first wahyu is basically to read, to pursue knowledge, and in moulding your englightment, your atonement, it is NOT wrong to question. Because when you ask, the right people, of the right sources, you will get your answers. Sometimes not even from people, but the rahmat and the miracles in every day.

It seems cheesy as I write this, but I am reinforcing here how - how humbly grateful I am, that He has blessed me so generously, and everything that He has gifted to me. This, coupled with the tales that you here from kosher encounters, the genuinely ant like feeling you immerse in when you pray properly, when you kneel before the Ka'abah, when you step on the sands of the Holy Land. The magical tingling of the air during Ramadhan, the dinner so bountiful after a parched day. The comfort of resonatings azan. My religion is beautiful.

And I am human. I sin as an apostate and I am weak to Him more than I am strong. But I, with the fullest of my heart, believe that He provides hikmah in everything. I believe with the truest of faith that He is a Force up there, and he enchants and enhance and provides and takes. That malaikats exist. That akhirat exists. That fate and destiny also does exist. It's a heavy thought, but if you take it within a spoonful, slowly, nibbling knowledgebly, I believe the answers will come if you look hard enough and trust enough.

It's not perfect, not by a million miles, but it's building its foundation properly and the earlier steps is to accept faith, in Him. Because my Dad once said: Never lose Him, the moment you lose Him, you will be lost. And I don't intend on being lost. Hikmah. Faith.

So, basically summarising my views on religion: I am a Muslim. And I believe Allah SWT is my God, and Muhammad SAW is my prophet.

La Vérité, 11th May 2011

le image. (: 

More Than Memories, 5th May 2011

It's been a while. Not that lack of will has engulfed me, possibly I'm just concentrating on other things, other beings.

I've taken a lot of pictures of my mum and dad lately, and my family (and no, the one above is raya circa 2009. As if my hair shoots out that fast, Iwish) We had a sit down dinner all together the other day and I spent a couple of minutes taping that.

I don't know if it's the constant change, or the permanent unfolding of persons, but life provides a series of changes as it unravels and the little mediocrities tend to disappear. As with the family, it's now hard to get us together all at once. What I'm projecting is, without conveying any negativity or subconscious jinxing, is that a part of me feels obliged to take as MANY records of my family nowadays, and my house.

Because what if it all dissipates? Poof! A trivial but integral part of your life, disappear. Everything does, in time. And what memory would you have of it then?

Ever since the construction of part of the house the other day this obsessive part of my mind is subtly trying to recall everything as it was. Thank god there are pictures. Ever since K's cousins scrounged up an archive of their old videos, I've wanted to witness what my past was like, live. It's probably buried somewhere, trapped under an avalanche of dust and miscellaneous objects in the attic. Evidences of a past life.

Not that it affects the present much (maybe it does, upon revelation?) but the phases of your life from your past is elemental to the person you become. I demand to have a solid satisfying archive of my life for me to reflect back when I'm old.

These recordings would be a physical memory of everyone that played a part, whether they contributed anything, is a different matter, but they were there, and they knew me, and even if I can't remember their names I should at least acknowledge that at one point our paths crossed in life. And come to think of it, not just the people. I should take a picture of the local kedai runcit, RM3 fried bananas, the god damn stairs that lead up to my faculty and the utter mess that is my first car. Some awesome clouds from the pollution induced skies of Malaysia in the early 2000's. A screenshot of the student portal. Photos of not just the glittery parties and the planned gatherings, but the familiarness of everyday life. A voice recording of my Mom, my Dad, my sibs and my maid, the cat, the stuttering start up of my car, and my best friends. It counts, okay? Because this is my life right now. And I firmly know it won't always be like this. And I want to remember all this. The good, the bad, the shit, the happy. And the important ones.

Because when these things die, when these people and these mere objects cease to exist, when something that was a daily part of your life that you took for granted dissolves, you'll regret not having a connection to it anymore, you'll regret not grabbing the opportunity to connect with them then.

It's sort of like saying I love you to everything.

So help me I'm gonna have a solid athenaeum or every god damn trivial thing that contributes to my life right now.

JK! A jubilang vingt! 7th May 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!

One of the latest pictures we've taken together ^^ You're such a blessed love and I wish you more blessings to come. You're far away but friendship weighs more than distances or gold. 5 years and counting. I'm so proud and happy to know someone like you. So collected and chilled and reasonable :3 May Allah SWT bless you, dunia akhirat. Amin.

Ma Madre :3 8th May 2011

HAAAPPYYY MADRE'S DAAAYY MYY! Words can't express delight and fortune I have to have you by my side, you and Atok, Alhamdulillah. This is my Mom.

My mother is a pillar of strength during the most turbulent times, I've seen her broken tears and her broken being and I can safely say that she's an epitome of strength. She's caring in the most frustrating atypical ways and she's let me learn my life lessons properly and distinguishably. Thank you for the kaleidoscope of my childhood, for the oceans of knowledge and experience you've gifted me with. Thank you for our travels, for your guidance that I've tried to rebel so raucously, for your never ending love and support.

My mother taught me life not through riches and power, but through hard work and education and god and faith. She taught me to stand up for what I want and fight, to push myself, to get out of the ordinary and be strong, be strong no matter what. She's astounding in her accomplishments and independence, fiery in her rights and loving in her giving. My childhood is a tapestry of colourful adored moments, my teenage years raging with lessons and hard work. I would not be the person that I am today, nor be where I am right now without her. Literally too.

Summer days at the park, board games at dusk

Whipped cream for desserts and cultural outings bursting with knowledge

Of conducting 3 jobs per day to keep a family afloat, cleaning jobs too, of holding onto decades of residential assets with patience

Of loving her mother, my Atok and giving her the world.

So that's mi madre pour toi :)

Flying Feckeries, 12th May 2011

This defines the relationship I have had with my studies in uni since March.

I am well acquainted with my damnest conscience that I'll plummet to the deepest of lows and desolation when the results poke themselves out. And prove a large disappointment to myself and my parents. This, especially after the festivities of my previous semester's collegiate outcome.

But again. Yeah. Whatever.

If you fail, might as well fail gloriously oui? Probably my worst result in all 2 years coming soon.

Your Mortal Messes, 7th May 2011

The definition of good is fucked up.

And today, as this very moment, somebody finally vanquished the veil of denial and basked me into the glorified mess that is my dignity. If ever a night I reveled in my shattered self worth, it's this. There you go, Sha, your virtue and stance, see these pulverized pieces here. Shatt.E r e d.

Mortality, your irony. If infinite, I would've pulled the trigger to my head beyond comprehensible capability. Over. And over. Again. Single fucking shots. BAM. BAM. BAM. Deliberate. Spacious. Savoury. If the solid impact of a bullet exploding my head would not effect my life, it would be my deepest pleasure to purchase the biggest god damn ass one and blast my head to smithereens. BAMBAMBAMBAM. Repeatedly. In rallies. Without even flinching.

People who have nothing worth living for find something worth dying for instead.

Sidenote: Drove back home from to SA in less than 20 mins. FUCK. HELL. YEAH. Needless to say, I didn't pause to ease up on the gas pedal once, my feat jammed onto it like a cement block. RUN BAMBEE, FLEE. Didn't look back. No. Of course I'm fucking lying. Heh, in these broken fragments I'm still vying for you. Fuck. Fuck me.

Related Stutters, 24th May 2011