Revisited

Pebbles, 2nd March 2011

You know what never fails to catch me off guard? The shifts of a relationship. And I don't just mean the couple-y kind, I mean them all, all sorts. I'm including the pseudo weird ones that involve random strangers suddenly becoming the boat that keeps you afloat. I'm talking about how your longest best friend can suddenly be worlds apart, and I don't mean physically either. There are times when I pause and think, 'whoa, how the hell did I get here with you?'

In some sense, with the ones where I'm elevated to the can't-live-a-random-day without you friendships, I'm honoured, star struck, grateful. The sheer excitement of finding a similar soul makes me feel less alone, more valued, part of a shared secret. The temporary-ness of the relationship doesn't even have to matter anymore, it's the depth. And depth doesn't really equal the longevity of something. Sometimes something brief, a conversation, a hug with someone completely out of your life scope can affect you for a lifetime, right?

But it's also these brief scoop of shared emotions that leave me weirded out when it fades. It's not unexpected. Everything carries on, some are meant to stay and some just leave you, except with a lesson. Despite the pre-conceived knowledge that some arrangements are temporary, something to keep you afloat, a brief distraction, it doesn't change the weird-ness of what you feel when it stops. Maybe you're left feeling smiley that the memories happened, and maybe you're left with a whole basket of what-ifs.

The game of this contract is to be cool, put your poker face mask on. I guess the heart has to learn for itself which are the ones who matter enough to not fade, the ones worth sticking through with, the ones who won't leave you cold. So you know what? Imma gonna take shit in my stride and carry on.

I still stand by this.