Believe Enough

Perhaps as a tribute to the ending year, from what the constellations deemed necessary, my thirty first of December raged by in a roller coaster ride. It was more exhilarating than exhausting, an entire year's worth of ruminations and the company of my beloveds compressed within a twenty four hour sphere. Upon midnight I was standing in the midst of the hyped crowd on the Saujana Bridge of Putrajaya, taking in the heavy, tingling atmosphere, the dim morphing lights, the snaking traffic, spaces moving with bodies and filled with multifarious noises, basic products that come with electrified, animated crowds. 

The last thing I remembered was asking a random bystander for the time, before looking up to see tiny sparks of ruby and emerald fireworks crackling on the inky sky. I was entirely alone. Not through chance or purpose. It wasn't an act of solemnity, or seriousness, or anything sadistic. I was just, was. Being. I was there, physically, and perhaps my mind was in the netherworld between peace and raging hell. Albeit exteriorly calm. Ushered in the new year with a tiny smile curved on my lips, tucked my head down and walked briskly back to the car. 

It's been a long year. I would go so far as to reminisce it to death, but the gist of it is that I feel, more than ever, that I grew up. Not in any masochistic nor bragging way. You always hear the similar sentiment, of lessons and learning and milestones and things. And perhaps for some, upon the dawn of a new annual, it is true, as opposed to simply being a goodwill wish. And I guess I'm in that minor collective, the ones who were bombarded with a slew of (karma?) testing situations but nevertheless made it through, at least through the year, a little more intact and defined. 

It should be noted that I leave the past year with more gratification above anything else. Gratitude, of so many blessings be it in kind or kinship. Distinctively, unfamiliar, I didn't extract any definite resolutions for the year. No healthier, no smarter, no less of a procrastinator. No labels or clockwork schedules. Just concepts of being, that I'll mull over, act towards in time. Maybe I'll be kinder, wiser. Maybe this is the year to just boat about, navigating the ribbons of felicity and simplicity - and steer as I might for my dreams. It's going to be a momentous year, by default, and by actions I hope I'll be able to justify its significance. 

Saw a postsecret on Sunday and I couldn't help wishing that I'd shared the same sentiment upon 00:00. Then realise, I still could. The time doesn't matter. You always could. Make it your year.