All my life I've never competed. I've always placed myself within a league of my own, with my own dreams, my own measures of successes, my own ideals. I've been in that happy and content lane right up until recently, when I realised that some of dreams are being lived out, but they were not being lived out by me.
This brings me to question the very foundations of my character. How is it that I'm not living these dreams? How do I improve myself to get to where I want to be? What more can I do? What purpose can I find to aid me in achieving my goals? And ultimately, how can I be good enough?
The very notion of the fact that I am not worthy sends chills down my spine because it goes against everything I believe in terms of reason, rezeki and life. I am perfect enough to be where I am, with what I have been given, and while usaha and doa is the backbone of growth, ultimately I should be focusing on the nikmat that I have to propel me further.
But of late there's just constant reminders of all that I'm not achieving, all that I could be but am not doing, all the opportunities that I should take, should capitalise on, should have reached by now, that sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly demotivated and upset that I need to take time out from the internal negativity. The regular hits on my own confidence makes me question my abilities which in turn, make me feel extremely unequipped and doubtful of myself, a ground on which I rarely entertain, and if ever, play on. At least, until lately.
To say that I deserve to achieve my goals or to have the success bestowed on others is aside the point - this isn't a confession of hubris. Rather it's a confession of humility, of coming to terms with my simple, naive, human self. I do inherently believe that whatever doa that is not been granted, there is a reason and a more deserving future awaiting me. And whatever dreams I see being lived out are probably placed within my sight as a test to see whether or not I really, truly want, and will do whatever it takes, to attain.
At the end of the day I feel as if I just need time out to recenter myself and refocus on my own light, instead of being so distracted by glitz and glamour.
I am good enough. I will be good enough.
This brings me to question the very foundations of my character. How is it that I'm not living these dreams? How do I improve myself to get to where I want to be? What more can I do? What purpose can I find to aid me in achieving my goals? And ultimately, how can I be good enough?
The very notion of the fact that I am not worthy sends chills down my spine because it goes against everything I believe in terms of reason, rezeki and life. I am perfect enough to be where I am, with what I have been given, and while usaha and doa is the backbone of growth, ultimately I should be focusing on the nikmat that I have to propel me further.
But of late there's just constant reminders of all that I'm not achieving, all that I could be but am not doing, all the opportunities that I should take, should capitalise on, should have reached by now, that sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly demotivated and upset that I need to take time out from the internal negativity. The regular hits on my own confidence makes me question my abilities which in turn, make me feel extremely unequipped and doubtful of myself, a ground on which I rarely entertain, and if ever, play on. At least, until lately.
To say that I deserve to achieve my goals or to have the success bestowed on others is aside the point - this isn't a confession of hubris. Rather it's a confession of humility, of coming to terms with my simple, naive, human self. I do inherently believe that whatever doa that is not been granted, there is a reason and a more deserving future awaiting me. And whatever dreams I see being lived out are probably placed within my sight as a test to see whether or not I really, truly want, and will do whatever it takes, to attain.
At the end of the day I feel as if I just need time out to recenter myself and refocus on my own light, instead of being so distracted by glitz and glamour.
I am good enough. I will be good enough.
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