There, I lay bare

Over the last couple of years, my views on relationships, and by association, my self esteem, have gone through the shredder. It's typical of a lot of twenty somethings to experience some form of injurious love affair, but all traumas are unique. As a consequence, I have built the walls around me so high, even I'm not quite sure of the way through. Upon meeting someone new I put up facades, I play parts, I banter, and it's all in the general frivolity of flirting. A lot of people see the front and receive the impression that the rest of the picture is similar - shiny, bright and clean.

Of course this is a curated show. The number of people I trust to look into the depths of myself is a handful at best. Not even me, lately. My feelings, like my skeletons, are stuffed deep in the back of my closet. I have no inclination to allow myself to be vulnerable and open to anyone, so willingly. I'm not jaded or insecure, just cautious to the point of self reclusion. It's a safety control that I exert upon this area of my life. You meet someone and project the best/worse case scenario, assess the risk, so you know exactly what to expect and how to act. The point is to be able to walk away without getting too involved or hurt. This is a cliche, I know, a broken record straight out of a 90s love song. I’m fully aware that this is not how feelings work, but acknowledging my real stance is the first step of any rehabilitation. 

That aside, at some point in this past month I realised I had no idea how to really present myself as desirable anymore, or even consider myself as such. I shy away from various attempts at connection because it just didn't make sense in my head that someone might genuinely want to get to know the real me, or that I was anyone of value or worth. I'd be too much work to peel and dig, and the process may require a lot of patience and possibly years - a point I'm not too keen on subjecting anyone. It'd be nice to have someone to really try, and have the mental climate to, but for the most part you can tell when it's not going to happen.  

Today I sit here wondering what good have I done to have fallen into you. 

And if it's meant for me, I owe it to give this an actual shot.