Another one for you, S

 In a different life we would be walking in the woods in autumn, on a trail covered in brown leaves. Hands in our pockets, elbows bumping into each other from time to time. Joking. Talking our hearts outs about our lives and the choices we had taken. In an attached otherverse, your hand would be around my shoulder and we would walk through the woods behind our cottage til we were grey and old. So many of my memories with you involve the green and the views and exploring. Some, maybe my most favourite day in existence was that summer day exploring the Seven Sisters. I was 26 and the whole world was stretched out before me and we were in love.

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In my memories there are rooms that I go into where I meet versions of you that I have loved and kept and cherished. I know that in this journey of life, you, too, have had to make so many decisions to navigate the harshness of your situation. And as someone who has always sought control it must be terrifying and frightful to navigate it by yourself.

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At times I feel like we are two people floating bobbing on an endless gentle wave, connected by a thin red string running through the water. Every now and then at different points of our lives one of us would tug it and know that the other person is still there.

At times I feel like for the boat to really go somewhere we should really just cut the string and follow the tides of our own life journey. Our small boats could never hold the two of us and our baggages and ride the volatile waves. It would sink.

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In so many different shades of life I have looked up into the darkness and exhaled my love for you. I have done it at 16. At 21. At 23. At 29. At 32. I have mourned you and mourned us and mourned all of the choices that has brought us here, smack into the river at half of our lives. I know across the room, across the world, across time, I will look out for the tug of your presence.

I miss you. I love you. I hate you. 

I hate that you see me even though you don’t see all parts of me.

I hate that emotions are flitting and that I know they change and pass.